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My Only Friend [Dec. 10th, 2009|01:25 am]
[Current Music |Bonnie Prince Billie]

Lyrics to My Only Friend (Chris Knox and the nothing, from BEAT; covered by Bonnie Prince Billie on STROKE):

If I want you it's purely that There's nothing else
No one in this world I know like you
If I lost you I would be as if bereft
Of every single thing that makes us more than two

When I touch you it means so much to me
There is a sensual mystery to every move
When I'm inside you, I know it is the only place
To be completely free, completely true

So you can trust me
You can open every window, every door
And let the light come flooding in
And let the swollen rivers run
For there is more of what you love inside of me
Than even I can comprehend
There is no end
My only friend

If I hurt you it's only that I'm trying
To get deeper into everything you are
When I enrage you, I know that you will understand
How much we learn from venturing too far

So you can trust me
You can open every window, every door
And let the light come flooding in
And let the swollen rivers run
For there is more of what you love inside of me
Than even I can comprehend
There is no end
My only friend

I know how hard it is to be
Completely open, strong and free
To say what's truly on your mind
It's memories to unload
The very essence of your soul
That holds the key to your desire

Just know I love you
Yes, I think I know exactly
What that old eluded cliche truly means
I love you, it must be true
I finally put it in a song instead of singing in my dreams
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sighing without purpose [Dec. 2nd, 2009|02:22 pm]
[Tags|]

December 1st was unseasonably warm and at 6:30 as I walked home from the class I cut out of early there was an abnormally large crowd spare-changing me at Sunnyside and Sheridan. Back by the school near Broadway I'd let a sideways glance at a spaniel turn into a lingering gaze and his master, a friendly guy who probably has Asperger's Syndrome informed me that his pants were falling down. "What a coincidence, mine have been doing that ALL DAY," I had to say.

It's a great neighborhood, grand in its depravity and generous with sirens of all sorts, though far less of the transvestite type, which I seem to have left down by Belmont. Mostly I hear from the ambulances, but the invitations to love from ladies in the back alley and the screams and moans from the sorority girls upstairs in my building can't be ignored. It's the hard-to-ignore part of Uptown that I love the most. It means you can pick out the comfortable locals very easily - they don't look twice at people singing loudly on the sidewalks or passing out at the bus stop. This is a hood where you have to be standing up to get the bus to stop, the shelters might as well be rented out to folks, some of whom delight in telling you "IT'S GREAT TO BE HOMELESS" with bold tones in which I can't hear sarcasm, much as my socialized mind tells me I should.
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neato. finally a quiz with some interesting questions. [Jun. 13th, 2009|12:59 pm]


Your result for Which fantasy writer are you?...

Orson Scott Card (b.1951)

-7 High-Brow, -23 Violent, 31 Experimental and 17 Cynical!

Congratulations! You are Low-Brow, Peaceful, Experimental and Cynical! These concepts are defined below.


Although primarily known for his science fiction novels, Orson Scott Card is also a prominent fantasy writer. His suite of books known as The Tales of Alvin Maker are among the finest examples of how fantasy can combine page-turning narration with a discussion of deeper moral messages. The books are set in an alternate world where, among other things, the French Revolution never happened, which has made America look quite different than in the world we're familiar with. Apart from showing a different political map, the world of The Tales of Alvin Maker features functioning magic, the European settlers of North America bringing various forms of folk-magic with them to their new home. Here they confront Native Americans, who also use magic, but of a slightly different type. The protagonist, Alvin, is a seventh son of a seventh son and as such has great magic powers at his disposal. Much of the series comes forth as an attempt to discuss the birth of the US and celebrating its virtues without shunning away from the mistakes that have been made.


Card is one of the most appealing story-tellers alive today and has the ability to combine his light and easy prose with experimenting with what fantasy can be, by bringing up subjects such as racism and slavery, by using alternate world settings and last but not least by letting the "small world" of family-life (complete with sibling envy from those who weren't born with the ability to do magic) have a prominent place in his stories.


Card is also one to propagate against violence, but without falling into the trap of being unrealistic or romantically pacifist. The question of who should be reading Card, those who want to be entertained or those who want to be challenged is easily answered: They all should!


You are also a lot like Katharine Kerr.


If you want some action, try Lian Hearn.


If you'd like a challenge, try your exact opposite, China MiƩville.


Your score



This is how to interpret your score: Your attitudes have been measured on four diffent scales, called 1) High-Brow vs. Low-Brow, 2) Violent vs. Peaceful, 3) Experimental vs. Traditional and 4) Cynical vs. Romantic. Imagine that when you were born, you were in a state of innocence, a tabula rasa who would have scored zero on each scale. Since then, a number of circumstances (including genetical, cultural and environmental factors) have pushed you towards either end of these scales. If you're at 45 or -45 you would be almost entirely cynical, low-brow or whatever. The closer to zero you are, the less extreme your attitude. However, you should always be more of either (eg more romantic than cynical). Please note that even though High-Brow, Violent, Experimental and Cynical have positive numbers (1 through 45) and their opposites negative numbers (-1 through -45), this doesn't mean that either quality is better. All attitudes have their positive and negative sides, as explained below.



High-Brow vs. Low-Brow



You received -7 points, making you more Low-Brow than High-Brow. Being high-browed in this context refers to being more fascinated with the sort of art that critics and scholars tend to favour, while a typical low-brow would favour the best-selling kind. At their best, low-brows are honest enough to read what they like, regardless of what "experts" and academics say is good for them. At their worst, they are more likely to read what their neighbours like than what they would choose themselves.


Violent vs. Peaceful



You received -23 points, making you more Peaceful than Violent. This scale is a measurement of a) if you are tolerant to violence in fiction and b) whether you see violence as a means that can be used to achieve a good end. If you aren't, and you don't, then you are peaceful as defined here. At their best, peaceful people are the ones who encourage dialogue and understanding as a means of solving conflicts. At their worst, they are standing passively by as they or third parties are hurt by less scrupulous individuals.



Experimental vs. Traditional



You received 31 points, making you more Experimental than Traditional. Your position on this scale indicates if you're more likely to seek out the new and unexpected or if you are more comfortable with the familiar, especially in regards to culture. Note that traditional as defined here does not equal conservative, in the political sense. At their best, experimental people are the ones who show humanity the way forward. At their worst, they provoke for the sake of provocation only.



Cynical vs. Romantic



You received 17 points, making you more Cynical than Romantic. Your position on this scale indicates if you are more likely to be wary, suspicious and skeptical to people around you and the world at large, or if you are more likely to believe in grand schemes, happy endings and the basic goodness of humankind. It is by far the most vaguely defined scale, which is why you'll find the sentence "you are also a lot like x" above. If you feel that your position on this scale is wrong, then you are probably more like author x. At their best, cynical people are able to see through lies and spot crucial flaws in plans and schemes. At their worst, they are overly negative, bringing everybody else down.


Author picture from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Orson_Scott_Card_at_BYU_Symposium_20080216_closeup.jpg


Click the link for license info.


Take Which fantasy writer are you?
at HelloQuizzy

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the mental illness bat-cave offensive entry [May. 19th, 2009|02:10 pm]
I might have a lot of pent up thoughts about mental illness that I hesitate to share because they're half-baked and offensive. It's a big part of why I never wanted a clinical psych degree, because I know I'd be an asshole, I know my style is too much like Rational Emotive Therapy, I want to empower people, to give them cognitive tricks and skills and drugs to snap themselves out of defending their disease state like it's a castle they've built themselves. I want people to stop fetishizing their neuroses and excitedly listing off how fucked up they are as if THAT is WHO they are. I feel like there's some weird subculture of people who aren't really sure how they're unique except for the things that they identify as "neurotic" or "disfunctional" or even just "abnormal". We all need some perspective on it. It's okay to be kind of fucked up.

YES there is anguish and pain and mental illness and I'm not denying that, and support for those times is essential! I have gotten support from friends and family in those times and between them and music I've stayed a live all these 30+ years and I'm glad. I am still dysfunctional many times a week, I make poor decisions, and I have clinically significant symptoms. But this is not who I am, any more than I can be defined by the time I get up every day or the number of times I check my blackberry.

I support working through those times, and it's my feeling that sometimes not dwelling on the dysfunctional aspects of oneself is key. Convincing me that you're sick isn't going to change my desire to get you past it, it just seems like you're building yourself into a mental illness bat-cave.
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down with lack of nerve [May. 19th, 2009|01:40 pm]
some free associating:
rome fell after a period when people seemed to lose momentum in everything they did, they hoped that others would pick up slack, they relied on the government to handle to much, to regulate, etc. Nick Paumgarten's article in the New Yorker last week (may18th) The Death of Kings beautifully documents these beginnings of economic collapse, and while I appreciate his language, I need to assert my nerve. I'm feeling potential for growth and progress in many ways right now, and it comes from a place of stillness that I don't ever remember having such a firm grasp on.

In the midst of this fertile stillness I feel like little vibrations and changes in my friendships and career and family relationships are much easier to handle than they were 6 months ago when I was still very roughed up about romance. I'm able to laugh at things I took SO seriously back then, and to shrug off things that would have sent me running.

I can be insensitive these days, I'm afraid, callous because I'm just feeling neutral and stable and a little detached from what people see as tragedy. Any idiot can handle a crisis, it's the day to day operations that take work, and I feel like that idiot all the time lately.
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Gray or Blue. Song by Jaymay [May. 19th, 2009|12:45 pm]
[apparently I am still an adolescent at heart because songs like this still resonate so strongly with me, and I'm still shocked when a song comes out that hammers home some point I've been thinking about for weeks without managing to express it to anyone. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28-RUjwuszg is the goods for the moment.]

You haven't written to me in a week
I'm wondering why that is
Are you too nervous to be lovers
Friendship's ruined with just one kiss?
I watched you very closely, I saw you look away
Your eyes are either gray or blue
I'm never close enough to say

But your sweatshirt says it all
With the hood over your face
I can't keep starin' at your mouth
Without wonderin' how it tastes
I'm with another boy
(He's asleep, I'm wide awake )
And he tried to win my heart
But it's taken
(Time...)

I know the shape of your hands
Because I watch 'em when you talk
And I know the shape of your body
'Cause I watch it when you walk
And I want to know it all
But I'm giving you the lead
So go on, go on and take it
Don't fake it, shake it

(Charming
Crazy eyes have you
Are they gray or blue?
I won't make the move
You must make the move
If you make the move
I will then approve
If you do not move
We will surely lose...)

Don't second-guess your feelings
You were right from the start
And I notice she's your lover
But she's nowhere near your heart
This city is for strangers
Like the sky is for the stars
But I think it's very dangerous
If we do not take what's ours

And I'm winning you with words
Because I have no other way
I'd love to look into your face
Without your eyes turning away
Last night I watched you sing
Because a person has to try
And I walked home in the rain
Because a person cannot lie...
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simplify [May. 11th, 2009|01:17 pm]
Pretty convinced that I'm keeping happy these days by minimizing the amount of introspection I'm doing, but there's definitely a chicken/egg-type origin problem there - I do tend to get introspective when I'm internalizing rejection but I haven't allowed rejection to get to me lately.

I don't mean to be contrarian, but I don't want to talk about "us" with him at all. I guess that's not reasonable for all people, but lately I feel like a few analytical words can ruin almost anything beautiful. I like the un-flirtatious way we flirt, I like the critical conversations we have about music, the manhattan project, fashion, I like the academic tone he uses when he talks about dropping out of high school. I like watching the little girls flirt with him, lying that they're under 18 to get a rise out of him. I like the other guys I'm not really flirting with, I like the surgical robotics date I'm going on next week, I like the sexless affection dates. I like this new artist and his games.

I feel neutral about all of it. I'm comfortable in the midst of all this ambiguity. I'm growing to appreciate the finer points of frustration. This might not seem simple, but compared to the levels at which I usually operate, everything is so lovely and superficial these days, it's like floating.

I saw the most beautiful cab driver yesterday on my way to see him. She was stunning. I was biking past, though, so there's no way I could give more than a quick scan of her face and upper torso. It was enough to strike me, to tempt me to turn around and say hi. I was on a different path, as I am now with my career and my friends. This path allows me to look at beauty like that and not need to suck out anything else from that moment, because the odds of that cab driver somehow becoming more beautiful than that moment are slim, because love happens in moments like that and letting them pass is my current way of appreciating them.

Getting to know him, though, is different, it's a path that keeps bringing me increasingly beautiful moments. When that stops maybe this path will change but I'm not concerned about this at all.
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(no subject) [Mar. 28th, 2009|02:55 am]
[Current Mood |tabula rasa]

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(no subject) [Feb. 26th, 2009|01:57 pm]
most people who know me have no idea what I'm capable of.

I'm speaking mostly of Death and Destruction, but also Destiny, Despair, Desire and Delirium.

maybe a little Dream.
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stuff [Feb. 26th, 2009|01:00 pm]
1.Where did you take your default pic?
ultimate frisbee game.

2.What exactly are you wearing right now?
stuff. oh, exactly? my shrunken purple sweater, a Very Low Cut Shirt, grey pants that blumenthal gave me, black socks, my dkny sneakers.

3.What is your current problem?
I really want to be admitted to nursing school and get full funding to go and I am not sure this will happen.

4.What makes you most happy?
singing.

5.What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
The Dresden Dolls' song, Delilah. Please do not think of a certain pop song by the plain white t's. This is very different from that.

6.Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?
no. is the simple answer. almost lost my brother once.

7.Do you ever watch MTV?
nope.

8.What's something that really annoys you?
i annoy myself more than anything else at the moment.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1:

1.Middle name:
Clare

2.Nickname(s):
tess

3.Current place:
chicago, il

-------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 2:

1.Do you live with your parents?
not even close.

2. Do you get along with your parents/guardians?
ja. but they are wack.

3.Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
still married

4.Do you have any Siblings?:
my precious baby bro
--------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 3: Favorite..

1. Ice Cream:
at the moment, ben and jerry's Vermonty Python. historically, mint chocolate chip.

2. Season:
autumn.

3.Favorite Color
this certain yellowish/off-white that looks great on my skin, or slate blue that matches my eyes...

-------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 4: Do You..

1. Write on your hand:
yes. it rarely does any good.

2. Call people back:
usually, at least after a while.

3. Believe in love:
um. absolutely. it fucking sucks, but duh, it exists, at the very least in the form of obsessive altruism seen in mothers and siblings who have been shown to keep another person alive at their own expense. everyone's got their own idea of what love is, but i feel my own personal version of it for an assload of people. so fuck off, anti-love people. seriously, the person I snatched this from said "n/a"? i guess her definition has to do with teenage boys. yikes. so glad i'm not a teenager anymore. i'm losing my almost 30yearold-patience.

4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
the westside. the outside. the alarm-clock and lamp side, the heater and window side. the bestside.

5. Have any bad habits?
fuck yeah. procrastinating, over-exhibiting, over-trusting, over-forgiving, beatingmyselfup. swearing? eating out too much.

6. Any mental health issue:
I'm a little anxious about getting into nursing school but I have trained myself to be positive, and to define myself by larger concepts than the world can judge.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 5: Have You....

1.Broken a bone:
some small ones..toes, fingers...my m-fing thumb.

2.Sprained something?:
ankles like crazy. probably some other stuff i don't pay as much attention to...

3.Had physical therapy?:
yeah...shoulder's, knees...

4.Gotten stitches:
yup...

5.Taken painkillers?
ohmyyes.

6.Gone SCUBA diving or snorkeling:
yes, and wish i could do it more often.

7. Been stung by a bee?
several times. i was a camp counselor and a swimming instructor...and I'm the lifelong outdoorsy sort.

8.Thrown up at the dentist:
no, i kind of like the dentist.

9.Ever sworn in front of your parentals:
oh jeez. we swear in each others presence by now. though mom's not much for it.

10.Had detention:
yup..back in the day i was a tardy-ster. and something of a smartass at times.

11.Been sent to the principal's office:
principals always liked me. (ew) so probably, but it always went very well. same with the bossladys and men.

12. Been suspended:
no, i don't think so. pretty sure not.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Chaper 6: Who/What was the last

1.Movie(s) you watched?
BATTLESTAR GALLACTICA is not a movie, but it is the last thing I watched. Now. When I first did this it was 13 conversations about one thing, which I said was truly wretched, but I have little/no memory of.

2.Person to text you:
Nick Conrad

3.Person you called:
Kat Zwick

4.Person you hugged:
Debbie fucking D. woah, i don't know why i hugged her, it was a wierd impulse, but i did, and now she's the last person I've hugged in the past 2 days. that is the most bizarre thing ever. this lady is the most aggressive, impatient, hostile person I've ever worked with. i guess i worked well with her, though, because she totally loves me and praises me to my boss-men and stuff...so ...wierd.

HAHAHAH ok, I'm leaving that, even though it's from april 7, 2007, because it's so funny. though really I hugged Nick Conrad last.

5. Last person you tackled:
Ha. Nick Conrad.

6.Thing you touched:
my cell phone

7.Thing you ate:
IHOP

8. Thing you drank:
orange juice

9. Time you cried:
Hm....I don't actually know. it was windy and cold, though, and I was not sad.

10. Wished on a star?
yup. it's as good (or worthless) as anything else you could wish on, and looking at the starts is so comforting to me, reminding me of my miniscule impact on the universe and how much our human perception has destroyed our sense of scale about anything. SCALE. I love of thinking about that, what a relief my irrelevance is.
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eyes swimming [Dec. 17th, 2007|06:47 pm]
How can my job be so simultaneously over- and under-whelming?!

Must be the bureaucracy. Which I always misspell bureaucrazy accidentally at least once.
As in, "This bureau is driving me CRAZY!"
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moderation in all manners of success [Dec. 6th, 2007|05:12 pm]
originally written 9/28/07 in [info]jennymofo (http://jennymofo.livejournal.com/18656.html) -

I'm talking about finding a way to work hard but not so hard that you have no energy for other things, and form strong relationships that don't dominate every aspect of your life and turn you into a codependent couple, and build friendships filled with mutual support, respect, and admiration (and FUN) that don't require constant attention and a sense of guilt when you can't hang out, and think solidly and calmly about your existence and it's meaning without having crises about live, and keep a nice clean home which is still comfortable and can be messed up a little without becoming a disaster, and throw parties that are great fun but don't lead to killer hangovers and regrets the next day.

That's just off the top of my head. Mediocrity sounds so bad but I kind of love it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today:
I still find all these ideas to be very "ideal"...but at the moment I am looking for EXTREMES. I want to go crazy and be seen as sane and work my ass off and enjoy every non-working moment as if it's never going to end, drink until I float away and stay sober, smoke until I'm on cloud-9 but still grounded as hell.

oy.
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(no subject) [Oct. 2nd, 2007|04:49 pm]
Today from the elevated train platform at Library (State/Van Buren) I saw a man who looked like he might be dead, and since I didn't have my cell phone I went and found the first person willing to meet my eye contact and asked her to use her cell to call the police. I showed her the man (who was lying immobile on a grassy patch below us - which is a common spot for homeless, but no others were anywhere near him) and she immediately handed me her phone to make the call. I did, and they connected me to paramedics who said they were dispatching immediately, and on their way.

more on the dying dude )
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(no subject) [Sep. 23rd, 2007|01:27 am]
sure nobody will pay attention on a sunday, but this Quinta st eufemia Port is amazing. my girl cory stole the bottle from the wedding, it's a good late bottle 2000 vintage, and it's rocking my taste buds.

communing with the berkshires,
c
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Right in the kisser. [Sep. 21st, 2007|12:33 pm]
I'm biking everywhere these days. No car to my name, lots of necessary moving around, since I'm couch surfing (August 14th - October 2nd) and the weather's been perfect.

I love A. Finkl & Sons Forge. It's one of my favorite spots in the city, watching them heat up steal to 40,000 degrees or whatever is so amazing, and the glow of those fire pits, and the slag heaps and rubber scraps and everthing are just beautiful to me.

It's on Southport, around Cortland, the road I take to bike under the highway and over the North Branch of the Chicago river. So then, once over the river, when I'm going North, I cut through Finkl, and take Southport. I was doing that yesterday, in the bike lane, and as I'm approaching an intersection where a road comes in from the Right, a beige sedan is pulled out all the way into the northbound lane of traffic.

Usually those people who pull way out do so in order to turn into the road. This guy decided to stay there, and acted like he was doing me a favor, expecting me to go around him into the oncoming traffic's lane! I tried to go around him and waved him out, hoping he'd go, but he stayed, and I couldn't make it around the back of his car.

I HIT his Gas Tank! It looked bad, he was pissed. He didn't know what to do, either, you could tell he wanted to get my number and stuff, but he was so mad, he just kept cursing in Japanese. Likely his native language. I explained by pointing back to the stop sign that he was supposed to "STOP" at the sign, not in the middle of the road, and I was in on the main thoroughfare and didn't need to stop. And obviously, I have no license plate. Well, while he was all dumbfounded, I was like, "I know what to do," and got back on my bike and rode away.

And also, I didn't feel bad for him at all.
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Dear universe, thanks for the fun. [Sep. 4th, 2007|02:02 pm]
The following is an amazing description of how the past week went for me. Seriously. Well, metaphorically serious. It is also my horoscope for the past week. Bravo, Rob Brezsny


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This will be an excellent time to read five books simultaneously, snack constantly on delicacies while avoiding heavy meals, climb a tree with an adventurous friend and make careful yet wild love right there, refuse to practice any form of meditation that doesn't involve laughing, buy ten cheap alarm clocks and smash them with a hammer out in the middle of a meadow, pretend to be a feral teenager who's allergic to civilization, and throw invisible stones at any god, angel, or genie who won't help you get the love you want.


From: Free Will Astrology- http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/allsigns.html
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(no subject) [Aug. 27th, 2007|04:21 pm]
I am devastated at how much I've hurt him, and grieving very hard over the loss of the future I'd hoped for with him. It was a good dream, fantastical and ungrounded, the two of us eating amazing food all over the world, fighting off whatever demons were haunting him that day with plenty of booze, endorphins, and laughter. He's a wreck, the apartment, without me, has an fly infestation and it's strewn with the detritus of every good picture taken of us together. Literally.
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(no subject) [Aug. 22nd, 2007|06:07 pm]
i think i can feel my fluid intelligence draining. it's not so cool.
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my day: [Aug. 20th, 2007|03:22 pm]
This represents approximate 0.2% of the stupidity I've been dealing with for the past 3 hours.

"The Missed Visit Functionality is available on the "visit" level, and not on the Sub-Visit Level.
The Missed Visit indicator can be selected by clicking on the the Missed Visit Indicator.
Congratulations! You have now learned how to mark a visit as missed. Next, we will learn how to UNmark a visit as missed."

OMg, then the UNmarking visit as missed "functionality" takes place at the Sub-Visit level for some STUPID reason!!!

"In the demographics modality, change the date of birth by clicking on the date of birth and typing the new date of birth."

I want to maim these idiots.
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The Smiths (HOW SOON IS NOW) [Aug. 20th, 2007|10:03 am]
[Current Music |duh]

hear the song

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

I am the son
and the heir
of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and the heir
of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I've already waited too long
and all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does
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